Reconnecting With My Dad's Family

My Dad's Family 1952

(Top: Dad's 3 sisters, my Mom, my Dad, his 2 brothers

Bottom: My paternal grandparents, my maternal grandmother)

In the spring of this year I was sitting on my sofa thinking about my father who had passed away 18 years ago. I was feeling sad. While my brother and I had grown up surrounded by my mother's family, we had spent precious little time with any of my father's family.  He left his parents and siblings to come to America in 1953. He had an older brother who also came to America in the 1950's, but he settled in California. As I sat there thinking I remembered how my father would write letters to two of his sisters in Sicily and his brother Frank in California. It seemed like every Saturday or Sunday, when I woke up, I would find him sitting at the kitchen table, pen in hand, writing or finishing up the latest letter and getting it ready to put in the mail. My father hated to write, but he never failed to make the effort to stay in touch with his family all the years he was here, up until the year he died in 2000. I was sad to think that after he was gone we lost all contact with his family and now all his siblings were gone too. All that were left were my cousins, but I had no real contact information to reach out to them.

On May 17th, I found a cousin in Sicily, Giovanni (John), on Facebook and reached out to him with a short message. He was happy to hear from me and suggested we arrange to talk via an app called "What's Up" so we could speak and see each other at the same time. My daughter helped to arrange for a call and we did end up talking for a bit. Unfortunately, my Italian was more than a little rusty and, although my cousin was fluent in French, I had also forgotten much of the French I studied over the years. Communicating was difficult. I was grasping for words while my daughter tried to help me by using and online translator to facilitate the conversation. It wasn't a very long call, but we made contact and it gave me some peace knowing my dad would be very happy to know I made the attempt.

In our exchanges, I explained to Giovanni that I was reaching out to him because we lost contact with everyone only dad's side and that my daughter was working on a family tree. He was more than happy to help and started sending my daughter pictures of his family. Then he sent her a series of school pictures of both my daughters taken in elementary school over the years. It brought tears to my eyes to see that he was holding on to pictures of my children that my father had sent to his mother. It reminded me of how my father was always asking me for pictures of the girls to send to his sisters. Then he sent a photo of one of the letters my father had written to his mother near the end of his life. It was Christmas of 1999 I think. He wrote how he was coming to my house for the holiday to watch the girls open their gifts and have dinner. Then he told them that the doctors said he was doing well, but they want to keep seeing him every three months. I know he didn't want to worry them about his illness and I don't even know if he knew how serious things were getting. That was his  last Christmas with us and seeing that letter made me happy to know he was looking forward to being with us and his granddaughters, who he loved more than anything.

I had planned to try to find my cousin, John, in California, but I couldn't locate him on Facebook. It weighed on my mind. Then one day, on October 5th, while I was busy changing my email address, I get an email to my old address. I recognize the email address as that of my cousin, John, but at first I was leery thinking it was some kind of scam or phishing hack. I bit the bullet and opened the email. Sure enough it was my cousin looking to reconnect with me.  Was are the odds of that? It had been so many years since I last saw him. We figured out it may have been back in 1994 when he was here on a business trip and visited us for a few hours. After exchanging a few emails we decided to arrange phone call where we could chat easily and catch up a little bit. He and his sister, Nina, and me and my brother, were all on speaker phone for a nice conversation. Since we all spoke English, this conversation was a little easier all around. All I could think of was maybe our fathers or God had a hand in arranging this connection which had come totally out of the blue and was very unexpected.

Hopefully, I will be able to keep in touch with my cousins and we will have more conversations. They are the only links I have with my Dad's family. I have to say that what struck me was that although we spent very little time with each other in our lifetimes, the family bond and closeness was there as though we had.

When I'm Sixty-Four . . . or, The Newport, R.I. Vacation

Here we are at the Cliff Walk

I'm not really sure what kind of blog I want to write about on this subject. The fact is my older daughter planned this family trip to Newport, R.I. and it coincided with my 64th birthday and her current obsession with The Beatles. There were six of us on the trip and most of us had never been there. I could write about all the things we did while we were there, but you could read about that on TripAdvisor, the AAA website or Rhode Island's Tourist page, if you are interested. Suffice to say we hit all the main attractions in 6 days: The Vanderbilt Mansions, The 3.5 mile Cliff Walk, the historic district and museum, Washington Square, Bowen and Bannister wharfs, the beach and golf course and many delicious restaurants. I don't want to write about all that. We could have been anywhere for what I want to share, Newport was just a backdrop, albeit a very pretty and enjoyable one.

The past couple of years our girls have been pretty busy living their lives (as it should be), but that doesn't stop me from missing them, from thinking about them, from wanting to do things with and for them. It reminds me of a scene from the movie "Marty," starring Ernest Borgnine, when his aunt Catherine was lamenting to her sister that she had no one to care for any more.  

"These are the worst years, I tell you. It's going to happen to you. . . I've got strength in my hands. I want to clean. I want to cook. I want to make dinner for my children. Am I an old dog to lay near the fire till my eyes close? These are terrible years, Theresa, terrible years... It's gonna happen to you. It's gonna happen to you! What are you gonna do if Marty gets married? Huh? What are you gonna cook? Where's all the children playing in all the rooms? Where's the noise? . . . What are you gonna do if Marty gets married? What are you gonna do?"

Maybe that's a bit dramatic? But I'm sure many empty nest moms all over the world feel a little blue from time to time after their babies leave home.

When my daughter suggested we take this trip to Newport I was excited to go. When the girls were growing up, we made sure to take a family vacation every year to make memories and spend quality, family time together. I wasn't sure we would have any more of those times with them. They have a lifetime of adventures and experiences ahead of them now. But planning this trip, and including me and my husband, was a wonderful gift that I will never forget.

We started out on Saturday morning, August 11th. My husband and I rode with my older daughter and our son in law. My husband must have been in his glory because this four and half hour trip was filled with Beatle music the entire way. Of course, "When I'm Sixty-Four" managed to get played a time or two, and set the theme for the trip, as I was turning 64 this week. My husband shared Beatle trivia with my daughter and she told him about things she had read or heard concerning Beatle history. I just sat there taking it all in. We eventually arrived at our destination, an Air B&B beach house we rented. After unloading the car it was pretty late in the afternoon so we looked for a place to eat and plan activities for the next day mostly based on the weather forecast.

Bowen's Wharf

There were a few times we walked along the wharf areas and visited the little shops. I always loved looking at souvenirs in different cities. Every vacation I'd buy a Christmas ornament from one of the shops to hang on the tree. Over the years our tree has become filled with them and the memories each one holds. This vacation was special to me, so I needed to get an ornament to add to my collection. My girls and their guys walked ahead of us, hand in hand, down the streets, in front of my husband and I. Suddenly I remember some old photos I took of the girls when they were two or three years old, walking hand in hand with their father in front of me. Now it's someone else's hand they hold. And that's how it should be.

The rough part of the Cliff Walk

It was nice seeing all the sites Newport has to offer. The thing I am most proud of is walking on one of the rough, rocky parts of the Cliff Walk. I don't think I could have done it if my son in law hadn't been holding my hand and guiding me every step of the way. But, I knew I would slow them down if I continued to try and make my way along the rest of the rocky walk after that point, which was probably another 2 miles at least. My husband and I got off at that exit and walked about a mile and a half or so down the streets to the end of the walk to wait for them. I'd rather be safe than sorry. If I took a fall I would have ruined the trip for everyone. Still, I think I did a good job keeping up with the kids all week considering they are all less than half my age (my husband is in better shape, so I don't give him as much credit).

I enjoyed our meals together. We all sat around the table sharing stories and memories, laughing, feeling relaxed. We had real quality time together, without the internet and the news to stress over. It's been a while since we have been able to do that. We had a couple of BBQ's at the house we rented. The boys went shopping for the groceries and prepared those meals. My son in law bought crab legs and cracked them open for us. He was very skilled at that. I think I enjoyed those meals more than most of the restaurants we ate at.

My girls, my heart.

Our last day there the kids had planned a birthday dinner to take me to. We decided to have brunch and an early dinner. The restaurant, Bowen's 22, was a little high end and fancier than the other places we ate at. The food was delicious and the portions large. We needed to walk some of that off so we took a stroll around the wharf, looking at shops, the hundreds of boats in the water, and for last minute purchases. When we got back to the house the girls disappeared for a few minutes. When they reappeared they had a couple gifts in hand. My older daughter and her husband got me a "Fitbit" and a planner so I could record all my steps and do the exercise I am hoping to do. I was holding the planner in it's cellophane wrapper, telling my daughter I almost ordered this one from Amazon. She says to me, I'm not sure if that's the academic planner, I forgot to check. I turn it over and right on the cellophane it says "academic planner." She starts laughing. I ask what is so funny? You want me to open it to be sure? So I do. I open to the pages and tell her "see, it's the academic planner." She starts laughing even more. I ask "what is going on? Am I doing something wrong?" So I say, "look it has tabs and everything, starting with August." She's laughing even more. As I flip through the book there's a colorful piece of paper sticking out, which I am guessing is advertising and I ignore it. More laughing. The more I flip through the book, the harder she is laughing. Then my eye catches a glimpse of the top of this "advertisement." I see the words "tickets" and "Theresa Caputo" on it, The Long Island Medium in Huntington, L.I. I'm like "WHAT??? Are these tickets for real?" I have been telling them over and over the past couple of years that one day I am going to see her for myself. I want to see if she comes across real when you see her show in person. My younger daughter says she happened to have dinner near the venue one day, saw she was going to be there and decided to get me tickets. Then she volunteers that her sister thought it would be a great idea to hide them in the planner for me to find . . . which I almost didn't do. I was really speechless. We all got a great laugh out of it. It was the perfect ending to a perfect trip!

My gifts.

See the little paper sticking out?

The TICKETS

Mom's Sewing Basket . . .

When we were growing up, my mother had all her sewing supplies in one of those "all butter" cookie tins.  She used to darn my father's socks, undershirts and underwear every week, after the laundry was done.  My mom didn't really like sewing and mending things, but she sure got the most wear out of every item of clothing we owned.

As my brother and I got older, we were able to save some money up to buy gifts at Christmas time. One year we managed to find a nice, large sewing basket that we bought for my mom. It had a top tray to organize smaller items and in the lower portion there was plenty of extra storage for spools of thread.  It was a thoughtful gift and practical. There weren't many things my mother would appreciate. My mother hated things like figurines, which she always referred to as "dust collectors." She wasn't happy when we bought her jewelry because she felt it was too expensive. And don't mention flowers. Flowers were the biggest waste of money because they were only going to die. A practical gift was always a good choice.

My mom stored lots of things in that sewing basket.  There was a Sucrets box filled with straight pins for hemming pants and skirts. She had her nice sharp scissors and a pair of pinking sheers in there. Her little "tomato" pin cushion was always out whenever she did any sewing. She had a couple of packages of assorted darning needles in there too. Why she needed so many I will never know. Maybe after being used too often, needles get dull? And, although she had a couple of thimbles, the only one I ever remember her using was the same little, pink plastic one she wore on her finger for every sewing project. That little, pink thimble was the first thing to come out of the box and the last thing to go back in the tray. When I see that pink thimble, I see my mom.

That little plastic pink thimble probably cost five cents, if that, when she bought it. Funny how something so small, so old, and of so little worth could be priceless in sentimental value.

Second Anniversary . . . Cotton

My daughter and son in law's second wedding anniversary is around the corner on July 9th.  I started looking into what gifts I could make for them very early so I would have the time I needed to get it done.  Since the second anniversary traditional gift is cotton, I knew I could make a counted cross stitch project and that would fit the bill nicely.  It takes a while to figure out what to do because I have made and bought things for them to hang up and this time I felt I should do something different.  They just got their new bedroom set a couple of months ago which gave me the idea of making decorative pillows with an "accent" color that would pop with their gray walls and decor.  But, I'm not so sure I can make pillows because I do not sew, so this would be a challenge.  So far I started with this picture of them that I wanted to turn into a "caricature" cross stitch. Here is their picture and my interpretation.

I need to add some red to this one to make it pop!  Garnet Red is the rich accent color I chose and, if they don't like it, they can just take it out for Valentine's Day and their anniversary!  The second pillow needed to have more red, so I chose a heart with two love birds.  This is how far I have gotten with that:

I also need to get some red and gray material, and pillow forms to complete this project.  Then I have to figure out how to center my designs and sew them to the pillow.  Hmmmm. It just dawned on me that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. However, I am too deep into it now to turn back.

Finally, my daughter must have loved the turquoise blanket I made for their first anniversary because she hinted she would like one for her bedroom to throw across the bed.  I already bought the yarn, garnet red and light gray, for this project.  Here is last year's aran hearts blanket which I will make again in new colors.  I hope this year's blanket turns out as nice or better.

First Anniversary throw for living room.

Fast Forward two months later . . . this is how far I have gotten:

A Quilled Card

Two Cross Stitch pictures for the centers of the pillows 

edged in gray double bias tape.

These are "Cotton" for traditional second anniversary.

<3 A gorgeous Aran Hearts Blanket <3

Two pillows forms still to be covered in red

and I do not sew or have a machine!

I have to watch some youtube videos and see if I can accomplish what is in my mind's eye. Wish me luck! I need to learn how to cover the pillows and center the design in the middle so it looks somewhat professional.  Several videos later I stopped everything that I was doing, took out the material, and cut it to the size recommended for my 16 inch pillow forms. Then I sewed the cross stitch designs on the center of the two panels.  Finally, I got to work on sewing the cover by hand.  This is the final result!

And voila!  I did it! I love they way they turned out.

I hope they will love it too.

<3 Happy 2nd Anniversary Melissa and Matt <3

Protecting Yourself from Equifax Credit Breach

When the news first broke out about the Equifax Credit Breach I was extremely concerned (still am) and I did some research to find out what steps we could take to protect ourselves from possible identity theft.  Every bit of personal and financial information for almost everyone in the country has been stolen.  They say that these criminals will place it all on the "dark web" for other criminals to buy. They can get all your information for $50 and then start opening credit cards, take out loans, empty bank accounts, use your driver's license info to run up tickets, use your social security number to compromise your retirement . . . the list goes on and on.  If anyone does get your information, your life will be consumed by phone calls trying to undo the damage they have done. And they aren't going to open just one credit card account at a time either. A girl on the news said twelve accounts were opened in her name and it was up to her to contact all these companies and try to close them. So there is plenty to worry about.  There are some steps you can take to protect yourself or at least make it much more difficult for criminals to use your information if they get it.  This is what I learned.


These are things you should consider doing and some must be done before freezing your credit reports.

1. Get free copies of your credit reports for a baseline record of your credit at this point in time from www.annualcreditreport.com for you and your family members and print them.

2. Change your passwords on your bank accounts to make them more secure, that includes retirement plans you have at work.

3. Monitor your online credit cards and bank accounts for fraudulent transactions so you can report them immediately.

4. Sign up for paid credit monitoring/Identity Theft protection and then give them time to check your credit report before freezing your credit reports.  We are using Identity Guard Total Protection with first 30 days free and discount from this link a couple would cost $23 a month with this link.   

https://www.identityguard.com/ipages/fp01/familyplan_next-ft2/?mktp=Next&hid=238832712&campid=1295&utm_medium=affiliates&c1=280001&c2=662386441&c3=30idtheft__116430051____&c3ch=Affiliate&c3nid=Next-280001

They will monitor many things including SS#s and address, bank accounts, and credit cards for any changes.  You must do this before freezing your credit with all three bureaus so they can access and monitor your credit.

Discover provides some free monitoring services and Credit Karma is also free if you want additional monitoring

Credit Freeze is the last step after you have fully completed the credit monitoring process. 

5. Call all the credit bureaus and place a freeze on your credit reports so no one can get a copy. Freeze will stay on indefinitely and has to be removed a few days before if you want to take out a loan or open an account. You can also place Credit alerts on your credit but they only last 90 days and must be renewed.  You can contact the credit bureaus online or by phone.

Equifax 1 800 349 9960  Had to do Equifax online here https://www.freeze.equifax.com/Freeze/jsp/SFF_PersonalIDInfo.jsp  Then print out the page with your pin number

Experian  1 888 397-3742  They will email your pin numbers to you

Transunion  1 888 909-8872  They will ask you for a 6 number PIN so have one ready to tell them or they will end the call. Then they will send you an email with that 6 digit pin # for your files

I have been assured by several small savings banks that the only way to make withdrawals is with a passbook at the bank.  There is no online access. You may want to consider that if you have a large sum of money in the bank that you aren't using. 

6. File TAX RETURNS early so no one can beat you to it and get your refund.  

If you don't have time to bother with all this and want a short cut solution I would recommend getting an online credit monitoring service and, once that is in place and has access to your credit, then you should freeze your credit with all three major credit bureaus.   

Unsolicited Motherly Advice . . .

Mom with her granddaughters

When I was younger and my mom would give me her unsolicited "advice," I would to roll my eyes and most times thought I knew better.  I usually took it as criticism or maybe she thought I didn't have a brain in my head, because she felt the need to remind me about the simplest things. She would make suggestions about what I should eat for lunch when I was at work.  She would tell me to bundle up the baby because it was cold outside. She always had to advise me on so many annoying little things, and not just one time.  Sometimes my patience would wear thin and I would tell her I wasn't stupid or ask why she was always criticizing everything I do. She seemed taken aback at my reaction because she explained that wasn't her intention at all, she was just trying to be helpful.  I didn't get it back then. So we spent many years in this cycle.  She insisted and I resisted.  

Today, with hindsight and years of motherly experience, I don't see things quite the same way. I realize my mom was just being a "mom," the same mom she had always been. She didn't know how to back away and adjust her motherly ways so they were more suitable for adult children. She wanted to feel useful, protective, helpful, nurturing, which were all the ways that always defined our relationship as mother and daughter. But there were times when all I could feel was that she was being intrusive and overbearing, and didn't approve of my way of doing things. It's a shame really because now she isn't here for me to tell her that I understand what she meant, how she felt, and why.

When your children grow up and go off on their own, we are supposed to continue the process of letting go. After all, we've done our best to teach them everything they need to know to get along in the world and now it's up to them to live their own lives. This is great in theory, but like many theories, it falls short when applied to real life.  How do we tell our kids that while they see adults when they look in the mirror, we still see that little girl who twirled her hair with her finger as she dozed off for a nap?  They really can't appreciate what we are trying to do with our well meaning words at this stage of their lives. That we still want to feel needed and we need to nurture. They don't know the emptiness we are feeling even though we are happy for their successes. One day they will figure it out, look back to the past and appreciate what we tried to do. 

And now I know my mother meant well and always had my best interests at heart. And I know she always wanted to protect me from harm in all it's forms. And I know that when anything happened to me, whether it be sickness, financial issues, problems with other people, heartache, that if something hurt me, it also hurt her heart so many times more just knowing and watching me go through it. Instead of digging in my heels and resisting her well meaning gestures, I should have embraced them, acknowledged them,  and thanked her for caring so much and devoting her life to being my mom.

The Greatest Christmas Treasures . . .

Christmas 2017

All of us

The greatest Christmas treasures are not always under the tree.  Some of them are memories the eyes can't see. Some come without paper and bows. Some don't even come from a store, but from the heart. That's what I have tried to do every year for my children. It's a little tradition I started before they were born. Making them their own stockings and ornaments every year to preserve their childhood Christmases in unique "heirloom" pieces they would have forever.  

This year, as my older daughter is married and has her own home, I will take down my tree and pack up all their childhood ornaments in separate boxes I bought last year, for them to keep. This is the last Christmas they will hang on my tree.  They will be carefully preserved until such time as my children would like to display them or just look at them, and hopefully be reminded of all their past Christmases.

This is the letter I will place each box for them.

Dear Melissa and Lauren:

In the box I am giving you are all the Christmas ornaments I made for you over the years. I could've bought annual ornaments from the store, but I wanted you to have your own one of a kind ornaments. I did the same thing with your stockings, taking things from various counted cross stitch patterns and putting them together to make one unique design. Each year that I made a new ornament I chose a "theme" for Melissa's ornament and then when Lauren got to that # Christmas, I found a different pattern to use for hers with the same theme. So, for example, Melissa's first Christmas ornament was a little stocking parodied off her big stocking and I did the same for Lauren for her first Christmas. I loved coming up with different ideas like the horse heads, purses, angels, Santas, trees, chairs, snowflakes . . . thinking one day, when you had trees of your own, you would put them up and have reminders of your childhood Christmases in your homes for years to come. 

The Stockings

Melissa used to complained that Lauren's stocking had a lot more designs on it when she was little. She didn't realize I had gotten more experience over the years and it was easier to be more creative and figure out the placement of designs. Lauren always complained that Melissa's stocking was bigger and could hold more presents, even though I put the same number of gifts in each one. She also didn't realized that I freehanded the pattern/shape of the stocking and they were supposed to be the same size. The difference was unintentional and not what I was going for at all. I also wanted them to be the same size and shape, but when things are handmade no two things come out identical.

Some of the annual ornaments

Every year we took family vacations, I tried to remember to get a souvenir Christmas ornament for each of you to hang on the tree also as a reminder of the memories we shared as a family every year. I was so happy when I could find tiny ornaments with your names on them to hang on the tree that year. It wasn't always possible, but it was just a little tradition I tried to keep up with.  Of course, you were both more concerned with the presents going under the tree than the little keepsake and handmade ornaments that were hanging on it.  

A lot of love and thought went into each little stitch. I wasn't just thinking of the moment or that particular Christmas. I was also thinking of the future and how you would unwrap each ornament and show them to your children and tell them how I would make these every year for you. I made them to try and capture and save the memories that I cherished so much. I made them to remember the happiness and joy we all shared each year. And one day, maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day, I know you will open this box of treasures and realize what I tried to do and that maybe these little handmade things were really the greatest gifts you received every year.

May all your Christmases be full of love and happy memories.  Love you both so much.

Mom