New York Assemblyman Wears Blackface

You know they say history repeats itself and so it has again. New York assemblyman, Dov Hikind, wore blackface to a Purim Party and caused quite a stir. The Jewish Assemblyman did it in fun and so no one at the party would recognize him. The rest of his costume was a basketball uniform and an Afro wig. He was shocked to learn that people found it offensive and apologized, saying in hindsight he would have worn something else. He added, it never crossed his mind for a second that anyone would be offended. However, his apology seem to lack genuine sincerity to me because he referred to the criticism as “political correctness” and absurd. Apparently, Dov Hikind is clueless as to the historical significance why this is so offensive to many, and particularly to people in the black community. He can always call Ted Dansen and ask him.

I don’t know about you, but I recall rather vividly, the harsh criticism directed at Ted when he was dating Whoopie Goldberg and attended an event wearing blackface. It was supposed to be funny. Whoopie and Ted thought it was funny…but all hell broke loose and it was all over the news for a very long time. Many people had plenty to say about it back then. But even if Hikind’s memory isn’t as good as mine (which stinks, by the way), there have been recent similar occurrences of actors wearing blackface for fun and getting criticized. Tom Hanks was criticized, not for wearing blackface, but for being in a fundraiser video with a person who was wearing blackface back in 2004. The fallout from the video still plagues him today and it wasn‘t even his fault. Hanks didn’t know a parent was going to wear the offensive costume and appear in the video with him. And one year ago, Billy Crystal was criticized for wearing blackface and impersonating Sammy Davis Jr. at the Oscars, which caused a lot of controversy. So for the assemblyman to “play dumb” and say he didn’t realize it was offensive, doesn’t fly with me.

Oh, one more thing, we can add hypocrisy to the assemblyman’s list of character flaws. It seems that just earlier this month, Hikind criticized fashion designer, John Galliano, for dressing like a Hasidic Jew with a long jacket and curly side locks. He felt Galliano was mocking his people. Funny how people don’t like it when the shoe is on the other foot. How can he not see the two situations as at least the same thing? Personally, I think the blackface is worse because of all the history that is tied into it. Maybe he has no clue?

Historically, wearing blackface dates as far back as the 1830’s and was prevalent in the entertainment industry. It played a significant role in creating stereotypes, and misconceptions about blacks, as well as causing negative perceptions and prejudices. It was considered a socially acceptable way for white people to express their racist attitudes and feelings. If you are interested, Wikipedia has long, detailed explanation. If I had Hikind’s email, I would send him the link.

Get a clue Hikind.

Oscar Pistorius, The Bladerunner

By now everyone has heard of the case of Oscar Pistorius, the South African athlete who had a double amputation on both legs and went on to race in the Olympics and win gold medals. He was a national hero because of his remarkable feat. Now he is facing premeditated murder charges because he shot his live-in girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, three times. His story, as to what happened, seems unbelievable to me and yet a judge decided to grant him bail and release him until his case will be heard in June. This decision was made even though violence against women is so bad in the country of South Africa, it is said to be a national crisis. What message does this send to men and women alike?

The story Oscar is telling is that he thought there was an intruder in the house, so he got out of bed, grabbed his gun, without wearing his prosthetic legs, and shot four times through a locked bathroom room, killing Reeva. She was hit three times. He claims he thought Reeva was in bed at the time. He claims he shouted to the intruder to get out. He claims he never put the lights on until after he fired all the shots. It was only after firing the shots and going back over to the bed, did he realize Reeva was not in the bed.

Does that make sense to anyone? It doesn’t to me, and like Judge Judy says, “if it doesn’t make sense, it’s not true.” First of all, when anyone in bed hears a noise in their home, don’t they first check to see if their significant other is still in bed? I mean wouldn’t your first thought be that they may have gotten up to use the bathroom or get a snack? And, if they were still there asleep, wouldn’t you at least wake them and alert them to the fact someone may be in the house, so they aren’t sleeping ducks OR maybe so they can call the police while you fire shots? What burglar do you know who would invade a heavily guarded house and then lock themselves in the bathroom where police can break down the door and escort them to jail? And why, if Oscar screamed to the intruder to get out of the bathroom, didn’t Reeva answer from the either the bed or the bathroom, asking what was going on? Surely that would have been anyone’s natural reaction in that situation. Did he think she slept through the whole thing? There were many more questions brought up by his explanation than were answered. All of them pointing to a story full of holes and illogical statements.

Some reports say one witness heard arguing and described it as “non-stopping fighting,” hours before the shooting. Another witness says they went to their balcony when the first shots were fired and saw the lights on at Oscar’s house, then heard a woman scream and two more shots fired. I wonder if the judge, who was so quick to grant bail, took those pieces of testimony into account?

The facts of this case are disturbing to say the least, and coupled with the social issue of gender violence in South Africa, it’s unbelievable that a judge would allow Oscar to walk freely for three to four months while the case against him is pending. One can only hope and pray, that because he is such a prominent figure worldwide, that attention and focus will be given to this case from every corner of the world. Maybe this case will create international scrutiny and pressure on South Africa to take this issue seriously and cause them to enforce their laws and punishments for rape and other violence perpetrated against women. Maybe Reeva’s death won’t be in vain. Maybe she her legacy will be in the loss of her life she will be saving the lives of other women. One can only hope to try and make sense out of the senseless killing of a beautiful lady with her whole promising life ahead of her, and pray for her family who suffered such a tragic loss.

Rob Morrison, My Former CBS News Anchorman…

Why is Rob my former news anchorman? Rob was arrested on a case of domestic violence for trying to strangle his wife a few days ago. Rob had been drinking, there were marks consistent with choking on his wife’s neck and he also threatened to kill her in front of the police, who noted it in their report. Rob then quit his job, probably knowing he would be fired. Rob has been married to his wife, Ashley, for ten years and they have one son. Ashley also has a prominent position at CBS as the MoneyWatch reporter. Rob has cheated on his wife with two co-workers during the ten year marriage. Rob also allegedly attacked his wife one month before his arrest for this incident. Apparently, Rob also likes to drink. So what s my problem with this story? Damage control for the out of control.

For one thing, Rob denies strangling his wife and says they were just having a normal disagreement, despite evidence to the contrary. He says he loves his wife and is surprised by the charges against him because he never laid a hand on her. And what’s worse, the couple seems to have made a “joint” statement to the press saying the allegations have been greatly exaggerated and they would like their privacy respected.  In fact, Ashley gave police a sworn written statement regarding the events and then later retracted it. Her original statement said that she was discussing Rob’s excessive drinking with him and he was taping it with his iphone. She told him it was personal and to stop. When she tried to grab the phone, he threw her to the ground and started choking her. A nanny witnessed the attack. Ashley later says they were both drunk and the bruises on her neck occurred as the result of a struggle for the iphone. The retraction was made because she didn’t want her husband arrested.

Ashley is a petite woman of 115 pounds, Rob is an ex-marine weighing in at 180. There is a history of domestic violence which has been documented. Ashley allegedly makes a habit of reporting abuse and then downplaying it after the fact. So what is the truth? That’s anyone’s guess. But one thing is sure, there is never going to be a “fair” fight between these two. One day, maybe as a result of alcohol or rage, Ashley may not be so lucky. The police may not get there in time. She may be the next Nicole Simpson. What is she thinking? She has a seven year old son. How is this environment going to affect him? Why would these two people, who have lucrative, public careers, jeopardize everything by staying in such an unhealthy relationship? Are they both alcoholics? Are they trying to maintain a certain “image” for viewers?

Meanwhile, Ashley’s mother and brother reportedly say that Ashley is afraid of Rob. Rob allegedly threatened to kill their son, Jack, in front of her if she ever leaves him. The police even questioned Jack about the incident, but the poor kid could only say he hadn’t seen anything. However, maybe he heard quite a bit, because there was enough of a disturbance for the nanny to go downstairs and check things out. Rob told her to go back upstairs, Ashley told her to stay because she was afraid.

What is it going to take before someone does the right thing in this situation? How many incidents and police reports have to be filed? It is going to take something tragic before this story comes to a conclusion? How many arguments have gone unreported? All I can do is shake my head. Clearly no one has given any thought for the best interests of the child. One day he may go from having two parents, to having none, if one is killed and the other arrested for murder. It’s a story we have seen played out many times before.

These people need to end their “marriage” and try to do right by their son. They need counseling and therapy. One or both may need rehab for their excessive drinking. Their son needs a safe environment and probably a little counseling before he becomes a suicidal teenager or an abuser himself. This couple has the financial means to get the help they need, there is no excuse for their behavior. If they don’t, they are a tragedy looking to happen, Next time they have a “normal disagreement,” they may not be so lucky.

P.S. I watch CBS news every day and more than once a day. I have yet to hear anything being reported about this story. It's like they want to hush up their own "news family" scandal. How can you be in the news business and pick and choose what you want to report? You want to air everyone else's dirty business and keep yours under wraps? I think CBS did themselves no favors by the lack of reporting or under-reporting this story. It's things like this that make us lose credibility and trust in journalism. Rob's "disappearance" is conspicuous and the reason is all over the internet and other news media. I am disappointed in CBS for downplayng what happened here. Stories like this open the door for discussion and awareness about domestic violence and should be addressed.

Joe Hundley, “Baby Slapper”

I still find myself at a loss for words regarding this story. If you haven’t heard about Joe Hundley, Vice President of a company that makes aircraft parts, I will give you a brief summary. Joe boarded a Delta airlines flight, apparently after having a few drinks, and continued drinking on the plane. He was seated next to Jessica Bennett, who is white, and her adopted 19 month old son, Jonah, who is black. Jessica says Joe was reeking of alcohol. She didn’t feel comfortable sitting next to him, so she stood for 90 minutes, with her baby, near the laboratory. When the pilot announced it was time to land, she took her seat again, baby on her lap. Joe called the Jonah the “N” word and slapped the crying baby, which left a scratch under his eye. Other passengers got involved and Joe was restrained. Joe later lost his job and so far is being charged with assault of a minor. His lawyer wants to make it clear that while this is being portrayed as a “racist” incident, Joe is not racist, even if he used a racial slur.

My mind cannot wrap itself around this story. First, for the least offensive part of this story, the airline allowing an intoxicated man on their flight and serving him an additional two double shots of vodka. Hello! Is that not looking for trouble on a confined aircraft with no exit? Airlines need to review some of their guidelines when it comes to serving alcohol, for the safety and well being of other passengers on board, especially those who have to sit next to these drunks and have no place to go. Maybe alcohol should be banned on flights altogether? And, if you are attempting to board a flight, while inebriated, maybe you should be made to wait for the next flight, after you have sobered up? Why should Jessica and her baby have had to stand in the back of the plane for 90 minutes when she paid as much for her seat as Joe had? The woman was concerned and disgusted enough to remove herself from her own seat to avoid any problem. Wasn’t it up to the airline and their personnel to provide her and her son with a safe and comfortable trip? I say sue the airline for their role in this mess which put her and her son in harm’s way.

Now for Joe’s use of the “N” word on 19 month old Jonah, there is no lawyer who is going to tell me that that was not a racist comment. Joe is obviously a racist. Alcohol has a way of lowering one’s inhibitions and releasing one’s truth. Of course he is racist. How his lawyer is going to try to explain this away is a mystery to me. There is no explanation on the face of the planet that can excuse Joe. And what’s more, he backed up his racism by slapping the baby. It was a simultaneous act, slur plus slap. So I want to know why he is only being charged with assault of a minor and not a hate crime? Every other story I have heard in which a slur has been accompanied by violence, has been defined as a hate crime. Congress has defined a hate crime as a “criminal offense against a person or property motivated in whole or in part by an offender's bias against a race, religion, disability, ethnic origin or sexual orientation.” So it seems simple enough to me that this was a hate crime. Although it may be possible his lawyer will claim that Joe would have slapped any baby, not just a black baby, at that point because he was drunk and the baby’s crying was getting on his nerves. Good luck with that feeble defense.

I don’t know about you, but ever since I had my own children, I did not want so much as a hair on their head touched by anyone. I always told them not to fight and if anyone ever touched them, they should come to me and let me know. I cannot imagine the rage I would have flown into on that plane had Joe slapped one of my babies. It’s incomprehensible to me that anyone would even attempt to slap someone else’s baby.  I don’t care of he was drunk or out of his right mind. I don’t care if he has been a model citizen up to that point. I don’t care if he has serious personal issues. Is there really any defense to be made in this case?

Meanwhile, Joe pleads not guilty to the assault, which was clearly witnessed by passengers. He has been released on $10,000 bond, and told not to drink or possess firearms, and to surrender his passport. That seems fair (said in my most sarcastic voice), doesn’t it?

Remnants of a Friendship...Addendum

Addendum

I’ll bet you thought I was done. So did I. But something came to me and I just wanted to add it on to the story. So this is one last blog before closing the chapter on the story of my friendship.

I had mentioned, in my very long email to Marie, that I was concerned about the effect all the stress from the change in her and the friendship might be having on my health. I was scheduled to see my doctor in October, 2009 for my annual checkup. It was the fifth year of my cancer diagnosis and that is a real milestone. After five years the cancer is considered in remission or cured. Of course, when you have been diagnosed with cancer you learn to live with a cloud of dread over your head. When appointments approach, it creates anxiety and it’s all you can think of, which is probably why I wrote about it in the letter. Besides that, Marie had seen me through this very difficult time of my life and she always wanted me to call her right after each appointment, to tell her what the doctor had to say.

So I went to see my doctor and everything was fine. I can’t begin to explain what a relief it was to hear those words and especially on this fifth anniversary. Of course this time I couldn’t call Marie to let her know. I thought, since I mentioned it in my letter, she might be concerned or want to know the results. I debated with myself about it. I asked my husband what I should do. Finally, I thought I would drop her an email just to let her know and to spare her from wondering or possibly worrying about what the doctor had to say. So I did. It was a short email basically stating what I just said here. But, it wasn’t my best idea, because she wrote back and said, “I'm glad you are okay and I knew that you would be....like all the other times.  But I can't imagine that's really why you wrote back. That's what you have to say? Why bother?  I mean why should you care about my feelings concerning your health?” And then she proceeded to launch into defensive mode about the letter I had sent. Among other things she said it was me who didn’t want the friendship any more after ten years, that the examples I gave her in the letter were petty, and so what if she had changed, everyone changes. Clearly she was very angry and her feelings were still raw.

So, you can imagine how stunned I was when my cell phone rang on October 10th, 2012, almost exactly three years later, and I saw Marie’s name on the caller ID. The adrenaline shot through me and I had all kinds of anxiety. I was in shock and couldn’t answer. I reasoned that it must be a mistake and her phone or she misdialed. She couldn’t have meant to dial my number. The ringing stopped. I took a deep breath and thought that it was over. But no, a text message came moments later saying, “I just wanted to say something to you, but I didn’t want to see it written in a text or an email. It’s ok, I understand. All good things for you Nina.” So now that I knew she meant to call me, I had to make a split second decision to call back or not. I am not one to turn my back on anyone and had no idea what it was she had to tell me. I texted back first and lied, saying I wasn’t near the phone and I was sorry I missed her call and that I wished only good things for her too. But then I dialed her number, because I realized how difficult it had to be for her to call me after all this time, and what she wanted to say had to be important. She picked up after several rings. It was a little awkward, we hadn’t spoken on the phone since Labor Day, 2009. She told me she realized her call is out of the blue, but what she had to say was too hard for her to put in writing. I answered, it’s okay. Then she told me her older sister, who had had two bouts with breast cancer years ago, had died. I told her how sorry I was to hear that, she was a wonderful person and would be missed by all who knew her. I could hear the sadness in her voice. I expressed my sorrow for her loss and that I understood her pain. I think some of that sadness might have been about the loss of our friendship, because she knew I would have been there for her, even flew down there, if that is what she needed. She wanted me to know she loved me and I told her I bear no ill will or hard feelings towards her and would always wish her the very best in life. She thanked me for that. I expressed how sorry I was again, said I would keep her and her family in my prayers, and told her to please take care of herself. She replied, she just keeps walking, like she always does. And with that we hung up. If I have to be honest, I wish the call would have been longer. It was good to hear her voice again.

It was a surreal moment, like I briefly went back in time. She sounded like the “old” Marie for the few moments we spoke. I don’t know if she was hoping or expecting that I would say more or something else. I really couldn’t. I was still somewhat in shock and I think she was calling from work, during her break. That may have been the moment when she got the courage or the nerve to make the call. I am glad I called back and listened to what she had to say. I would have always wondered what it might have been, and the truth is, even after everything that happened, I still care. I could never just turn off feelings or forget all the good times we had shared. It’s not me to do that. And for her to have made that call to me, she must know that deep down there will always be a place in my heart for her. And, I’d like to think that, even though she didn’t acknowledge her part in rupturing the relationship to me, at some point she has admitted it to herself at least. And maybe part of her sadness was about something rare and beautiful, that once enriched both our lives, but now only exists in memories and remnants of the past.

*********

P.S. Hurricane Sandy hit New York City hard on October 28th, 2012. It was all over the news in every part of the country. On November 1st, 2012 I get a text message from Marie and reply back. Make of it what you will. This is how it went:

Marie: I know you probably don't care or want to hear from me, but I wanted to see that you all were alright.

Me: That isn't true, I don't harbor any ill will or hard feelings towards to and we are all fine. I appreciate your care and concern. Thank you for asking and I hope all is well with you

Marie: I'm so glad. I wanted to contact you before. I wrestled with it but I'm glad I did. Thanks for your kind words Nina.

Me: I'm glad too, I wouldn't want you to worry needlessly.

Remnants of a Friendship...Box #3

The Remnants of Box #3

There is one last box to go. The first thing I see is a lime green bow that came off a gift, not sure which one. I just save every bit of minutia. 

Under the bow is a Happy Birthday Sister card with a personal handwritten note. More of the same words of appreciation and affection. It just underscores how different that last year was between us. 

Then there are two programs from her graduation, that I attended in May 2004. This was the one I left my radiation session and went to the airport to fly down to see. I must have brought them home with me as a remembrance of the occasion.

There is a little note she sent referring to a package she took too long to send.

Here is small binder, from her church Bible study group, that we were going to go through together.

I found a small book, "Joys of Friendship, A Celebration of Girlfriends," that Marie sent me. It’s full of sayings like, “how can you ever be done talking with such a good friend?”

More birthday cards filled with more notes.

Two picture albums, one of her trip here at Christmas with her daughter and my family, the other of my trip to Texas with her and her family. 

A note that came with flowers from 1-800-flowers for my birthday and a cardboard gold bow from a box of Russell Stovers chocolates that she sent.

Restaurant menus from a French restaurant we dined at in Manhattan.

And finally, an envelope containing a long email from Marie, written in French, from September 2002 that I had printed out. Also in there is a copy of a story written by a French author, that was probably a school assignment that we may have worked on together. The email was a copy of the paper she had written on the story and was handing in. She remembered I wanted to see the original story and had made a copy to send to me.

Honestly I thought I had saved a lot more than this, even with the three boxes. Now it’s time to dispose of most of this. I still don’t know how to get rid of the notes and cards and pictures. They represent a significant part of my life and time. I guess I will get rid of what I can, and wait on the rest.

Tomorrow I will post an addendum to it all, of the last bit of communication we had after the fact. I think that will be the last of it. I know I probably forgot a lot, but it feels good to get this all out. Thank you to those who took the time to read, to comment, and to understand…something Marie never bothered to do.

Remnants of a Friendship…Box #2

The Remnants of Box #2

Well, I am surprised to see, that as I open box number two, it is full of stuffed animals. Yes, you read right. We used to send little things in our packages, if we saw something cute, as symbols of affection or for humor and inside jokes.

Let’s see what we have in here. An Easter bunny that stands about fifteen inches tall and is holding a flower. She is wearing a floral dress with a pink jacket over it. I’m sure it came in a nice Easter basket one year. I had her sitting out for the longest time, but packed her away with the others after things had come to an end.

There are two monkeys, hugging each other for dear life, with a tag on them that reads: “Friends Forever.” One monkey is “Princess” the Other “Angel.”  I had that out for a long time too. It was supposed to represent “us.”

And here is a small little beanie baby bear that Marie picked up at her university bookstore one day. with an “I ♥ you” written on the tag.

A six inch angel figurine, so I would remember I was her “angel.”

Here is a beaded bracelet, with the Jamaican colors: yellow, green and black. Marie and her niece were/are very much into the Jamaican culture.

Two picture frames, each holding a picture of me and Marie in happier times. One of them was taken when she spent Christmas week with us, the other one was of the two of us in Texas one night. We looked very happy in both.

And last, but not least, there is a small violin and bow on a keychain, I’m not even sure what the significance of that was any more. The violin and bow used to make music. Now they don’t. I think that is a fitting end for this blog.