Reflecting on Our 34th Anniversary . . .

Today my husband and I celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary.  And, while it doesn't seem like yesterday when we took our vows, the years have passed by much more quickly than we would've liked.  We've been blessed with two beautiful, intelligent daughters who have made our lives full, rich and complete. They have given us joy and happiness every day of their lives. We've lost our parents and other loved ones through the years, and have gotten through the rough times with each other's love and support. We have shared countless happy moments with family and friends. We worked hard for everything we have, made many wise decisions and some mistakes along the way. We've gotten through some significant health crises through prayer and by being there for each other. Looking back, I am amazed at all we have lived through to get to this point. 

Someone recently asked me what is the secret to a long marriage. I think it's a combination of things. For us it was having a good foundation that began with a friendship that we built on. Friendship grows into love and trust. Without trust, all the love in the world will not make a marriage survive. Without love, all the trust in the world will not make you happy. You need an unwavering commitment to work through your problems. You need to communicate with each other so there is understanding. Our focus was always on each other and our family. We spent quality time together as much as possible. We weren't materialistic. Things will make you happy for a short time, a solid relationship will make you happy for a lifetime. Decide to stay out of debt. Money issues are stressful and destructive. Better to have a little less and no debt, than to be burdened with paying bills for a lot of things. As far as working overtime, if you don't really need the extra money, limit the overtime. The time spent with your children will make you richer than any check. And, no one I know ever got rich from working overtime. It's a matter of priorities. Before you know it, the years will go by, your children will be adults, and you will see they have adopted all the good family values you modeled for them.

In two weeks my older daughter and son in law will be celebrating their first anniversary. As I listen to them and watch them together, I can see that they are on the right path. They have been brought up to appreciate marriage and family and everything that means. I have no doubt that, when the the time is right, they will be wonderful parents and raise their children in a loving, supportive family just as their parents have done with them. I couldn't ask for anything more.

If my husband and I had our lives to live over again we would do it in a heartbeat. When you are with the right person, thirty-four years goes by way too fast. 

How To Plan A Wedding . . .

Beautiful Gifts made by Grandmother of the Groom

The big day finally comes!  Your child announces she is engaged. After opening some champagne, going out to dinner and celebrating . . . it’s time to plan a wedding. I’ve learned a few things over this past year and maybe I can actually blog it and save some you a few headaches.

The very first thing the couple has to do is pick a date.  That date is important because it tells you how much time you have to get everything done. My daughter picked a date that was less than 12 months away, but assured me she would be organized and take care of everything. She even bought a “planner” to keep track of it all. Tip: Don’t believe your child when she says she will take care of everything, it ain’t happening.

I told the newly engaged couple that my husband and I would pay for the wedding and they should do whatever makes them happy.  They didn’t waste too much time picking a venue. My daughter liked the second one they saw, The Bay Ridge Manor in Brooklyn, and was satisfied she was getting a five star venue at a reasonable cost.  My husband and I accompanied them when it was time to place the deposit. First major accomplishment!

My daughter and her fiancé spoke with the photographer recommended by the venue. They like him, he has great reviews, they book him and we (the parents) provide the deposit.  The photographer, who has been to dozens of weddings, recommends the company that provides the DJ and Master of Ceremonies. The couple checks them out and likes what they see and hear. We write a check for the deposit. We are getting very good at writing checks.

Time to shop for the gown in early December. We find one that’s perfect. I leave the deposit. One snafu comes up, they are all booked for alterations until after her wedding and we are on our own to find a seamstress.  When the gown arrives, about four months later, guess who has to find the seamstress . . . if you said me, you would be correct. I found a great experienced seamstress in my neighborhood and booked our first appointment.

The holidays put a little cramp in the planning. In fact, they really slow down the momentum and we have to pick things up again. We go shopping for the Mother of the Bride gown before we are hit with a major snow storm. My daughter also looks at the “Save the Date” cards online and orders some. I end up writing out all the envelopes for her because she never listened to me in grade school when I told her that her handwriting was atrocious.

Who is going to officiate at the wedding? All this planning and expense will be for nothing if we do not have an officiant. My daughter finds a priest online who is highly recommended.  He comes from New Jersey. Excuse me if this makes me a bit nervous. 

In the meantime I keep asking about the limousines. My daughter isn’t interested in limousines, she says the 10 of us can take Uber cabs to the photo site in July, in hot and humid weather, through the congested streets of Brooklyn, in her gown with the very long train. No problem, the photographer says we can.  So ultimately, I had to find the limo company myself, visit with the owner and of course pay for the service.  Here’s a tip. Listen to your gut, find a five start company. Companies with five stars will do their best, they do not want their ratings affected by a bad review as they generate a lot of their business without any real publicity.  

Who is going to do our hair and make up? My daughter has no clue and apparently this was not one of the things she was going to take care of either. One day I was at my salon talking about my dilemma when the hair stylist said she would come to the hotel that morning and do our hair and bring her make up person too. I asked her if she was serious because I had only been going there less than 6 months. She said she was. That was a huge load off my mind. 

Oh, we need some flowers too. My daughter knows nothing about flowers. All she knows is she wants a baby’s breath bouquet. She asks me to visit the florist with her and of course I happily comply. We meet with the florist, also recommended by the venue, and have a discussion. He is very helpful. The venue does provide very small centerpieces for the tables in their package, but we upgrade them to a nice size. I order two large floral arrangements for the wedding ceremony, along with corsages and boutonnieres. The florist suggests a runner and some bows for the seats. When we are done with the package, I pay for it and we leave.

There are so many more details to take care of including: engagement pictures, invitations, the bridal shower, the bachelor party, the cake topper, pictures of grandparents for a frame in memory of them, the card box, the favors for both the shower and wedding, new shoes, jewelry, new suits for the father and groom, new handbags, booking the hotel for two nights, hair pieces, hair and make up trials etc etc.  Every time you think you are done, think again.

My daughter asked me if I wanted to walk her down the aisle with her father. Of course I said yes and I was happy she asked me. She also wanted to know if I wanted to make a speech. I thought about it. As usual I like having the “last word.” After loving her and raising her for 29 years I felt I had something to say and so I said I would make a speech . . . and a memory.

Finally, here’s what you need to know. Even before your daughter gets engaged you should be online gathering vendors with five star reviews so you have a good starting point. It pays to do your homework. Visit the knot.com and other wedding sites for vendors who already have reviews. Do not believe your daughter when she says she will take care of everything. Even if she buys a huge planner and waves it around. She is going to get tired and overwhelmed, especially if she has a full time job and only has the weekends to work on it. Do not remind her you told her a year is not enough time to plan a wedding. You have to keep her calm, make sure she knows you have her back. If the Master of Ceremonies gets fired a week before the wedding, and they want to replace him, and she is a nervous wreck, tell her it’s no problem. Sometimes things work out for the best. The main thing is that she gets married and gets out of town!  If six people drop off the guest list as soon as she gets back from making the final payment at the venue and she is upset, tell her not to worry about it. What’s done is done. Whether they come or not it’s not a big deal at this point, there are worse things. Don’t forget she still has to do last minute laundry and packing for the honeymoon. She is out buying special gifts she wants to give to those who did a lot to make her day special. She is probably doing a lot more than you are aware of. Remind her to get her rest and eat well. You not only want her day to go perfectly, you want her to be able to enjoy it and the honeymoon. 

The wedding was perfect. My daughter and son in-law are in Hawaii right now. I hope they are making memories to last a lifetime and that they live happily ever after.

Joy Behar Married Steve!

I couldn’t believe my eyes this morning when I saw the headline that Joy Behar, 68, married “Steve” Janowitz. They have been together for 29 years and I cannot count the number of times she has said she would never marry him. Well apparently, Thursday night, she did. There was no warning, no announcement, and no details were provided. Maybe they both got drunk, for all I know, and flew to Vegas. But, no, they were married in New York City in a private ceremony. There is always a source somewhere to spill the beans. Supposedly, she will discuss it all on The View, on September 6th, when new shows start airing.

Well I am happy for Joy, but I wonder why after 29 years she decided the time was right just now? You know I am a skeptic and a cynic. I always question things and people’s intentions. It’s just odd. Twenty nine years is a very long time to be with someone. I don’t know I suppose it’s possible that it took that long for her cold feet to warm up to the idea.

Another thing that struck me is “Steve” himself. This is not the Steve I picture in my mind the hundreds of times she has referred to him on the show. Isn’t he supposed to be a lot younger than she is. I searched and searched and could not find the age difference between them, but he looks a lot older than she does. Don’t you think? Not that it matters, but I had pictured a younger, dark haired man all this time.

Love her or hate her, she sure speaks her mind! Congratulations Joy and Steve!