Friday, February 15, 2013

Remnants of a Friendship...Part 11

Part 11

My phone did not ring for three weeks. I made no calls. I felt relieved and relaxed. I was coming to terms with the reality that it was over, almost glad to be out of limbo, and done wondering if things would or could ever go back the way they were. It was done. She couldn’t blame me, I didn’t change anything I was doing. I wasn’t the one who avoided talking about it. I was just the one suffering the loss. I had no replacement lined up to fill in the void that she left. I had to deal with it as best as I could. And how I deal with loss is to fill up the void with other people and things I love. It takes time, but I knew I would get there. I did have other friends and they were there for me through the emotional roller coaster I was going to be on in the days and weeks ahead. Some of my online friends noticed, even in the way I was typing responses to them in instant messages, that something was wrong. I was honest and talked to a few of them about what was going on with me. They were very supportive. I especially leaned on one friend at the time, Carole, because I knew she was a straight shooter and tough, and she wouldn't let me fall if I had a weak moment, and get sucked back into a toxic situation. I don't know if I would have been able to stand firm in my resolve without her. I told her many of the things I have expressed in these blogs and she was angry with Marie for her poor treatment of me.

Then, three weeks and a day after Labor Day, I got a text message on my phone. It's Tuesday morning at 7 am and it's Marie is texting me to say that she misses me and has been trying to write me a letter for three weeks. My anxiety level shot up. I am thinking what happened to bring this on? Did her niece let her down, did something happen she needs help with? Could she have had a revelation all of a sudden? Who knows? I wasn't up to hearing any of it. I ignored the text, my stomach was in a knot. First of all she knows I hate texts, and especially ones about serious matters. Second, I felt she had had all weekend to actually call me on the phone, instead of trying to text me a few minutes before she has to jump in the shower or run off to work. Third, I don’t believe she really couldn’t find the words for a letter in three weeks, if she was being honest with herself and with me. So her well meaning, too little too late text, didn’t sit well with me and all it did was upset me a great deal. When I didn’t respond to the text, the phone rang; first the house phone, then the cell. I didn’t/couldn’t answer either one. By then I was very emotional and anxious. Later that morning I was chatting with Carole and telling her what had happened, crying as I typed. While we were messaging, my phone rang again. It was 10 am and it was Marie again. I still couldn’t talk. Carole told me not to answer, but I couldn’t have even if I had wanted to. Besides, it was during her “break” at work and what could be said in those five minutes? Was I supposed to try and tell her how I had been feeling for months in the time it takes to run a commercial on television? No. I was standing my ground and putting my needs first this time. And then, when I didn't respond to that text, another text came that wasn't very nice. She asked “Is this what it’s come to? Ten years of friendship? You don't want to talk to me? You want it to be over, it’s over.” Just like that. From 7 am to 10 or 11 am her whole demeanor changed from being conciliatory to angry. And all I could think of is, who should be asking the question, "10 years, what was it all for?," her or me? I was stunned. Then I was angry. How can she even think of being angry with me for not responding? How many times has she not taken my calls over the years? How many times had she blown me off because she didn't want to discuss what was happening between us? The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Carole was livid and told me not to answer her right away. I didn’t. I couldn't even think straight. When I did respond I wrote what Carole suggested, something like, “I’m sorry. This hurts me much more than you can imagine. I am not able to talk to you right now. I have to do what is best for me this time.” That was it. Of course, she wasn’t happy with that answer and frankly, I didn’t care. I didn't understand her sudden urgency to speak to me. She all but walked away from the friendship and left me hanging out to dry. Now maybe she was having a change of heart. Maybe she was afraid I had gotten off the bench and quit the team? Whatever it was, I was not in a good place at all emotionally. I didn't want to subject myself to a 9 minute phone call and feel even worse. My heart was broken, my nerves were shot, I was grieving, I was hurt, I was extremely emotional. I simply had nothing left to give. I gave it all. It wasn’t appreciated. I wasn’t appreciated. I had gotten the message loud and clear. It had been about 9 months or more at this point, and I think my gut finally got through to me…enough is enough.

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