Saturday, February 16, 2013

Remnants of a Friendship...Part 12

Part 12

Her text came on Tuesday, September 29th, 2009. The next few days were emotional torture for me. I could not understand how she could treat me this way after all we had been through the past ten years. On top of that, I felt bad for not being able to explain my inability to speak; to express the depth of my pain; to try to make her understand how we got to this point. I still needed for her to understand why I felt the way I did and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to explain. I wanted her to understand, but I also wanted to get all these things off my chest so there could be closure for me. I decided to write it all out in an email and let the chips fall where they may. I took out the notes I had intended to use on August 19th, when she had said she would call me when she got home, and I added what had happened since, to the beginning and end of it. The "introduction" and "conclusion" that I added were more full of anger, the original notes more full of hurt. I went over it and over it to make sure I had said everything I needed to say. It was very long for an email, at least  five typed pages, single spaced. It was clear, thoughtful and full of emotion. I knew that when I hit send on the email, it was probably going to be the end. I had to ask myself if that was the outcome I wanted, because there would be no turning back. Once she read it, I knew she wouldn’t like it. She would become defensive and offended. Even if she owned her responsibility in all that happened, things could never be the same. I took my time and considered everything. On Saturday, October 3, 2009, I felt the letter was ready.  Then I hit send. The world didn’t end. I didn’t have any regrets or feelings of dread. I anything I felt relieved not to have to keep this all bottled up inside any more. I did what I needed to do for myself, to get some closure and to give her answers to all the whys. I wasn’t looking for a response.

In the email, I wrote about many of the things I mentioned in the series of blogs, about the way things had changed. My "intro" had an angry tone because of the question she had posed in her text message: "Ten years, what was it for?" That was my springboard. I wrote, who should be the one asking that question, you or me? I have been consistently there for you in the same capacity I have always been. I haven't done anything differently. But your behavior and attitude towards me has changed, and no matter how many times I broached the subject you either denied anything had changed, dismissed it and have even blown me off. So, I think I should be the one asking, ten years what was it for? I told her she even got upset with me for the one time I chose not to take her calls the morning of September 29th, but had nothing at all to say about all the times she didn't take my calls. Then I told how how much she hurt me and told her this is what she would have heard had she come home the night of August 19th, as she said she would, to discuss what was going wrong between us. I copied and pasted the notes I had written into the body of the letter, editing a few things here and there, and basically included some of the incidents I have already mentioned in these blogs: the card in the bathroom, leaving me in her apartment while she ran over to her niece's while I was visiting, allowing her daughter to pick out my birthday bouquet, cutting back on the calls, etc. I reminded her of some of the times I was there for her when no one else was, like her graduation. And I said I don't know how she could treat me this way, pull away from me and our friendship and not even give an explanation or at least be honest with me about it. I gave many examples to show a pattern of her behavior, so she would "get it." I knew her well enough to know she was not about to accept responsibility or any of it, and she didn't. I ended with the fact that I was unable to speak about any of this at the moment, and I didn't know exactly when I would be ready to talk if she wanted to. It was going to take time. So I actually still left the door open, but she closed it.

A few days later, on October 9th, the dreaded email responding to mine, appeared. She didn’t seem to understand anything that I was trying to say. All the examples I used to show her why I felt the way I did, she made excuses for all of them. It was a blanket of excuses. But no matter how she stretched the blanket, it didn't begin to cover everything. She attributed all her actions to being "occupied, preoccupied, distracted, forgetful, circumstance and duty." Maybe it made her feel better, but it did absolutely nothing for me. Much of the reply was defensive, which is what I expected, but not what I hoped for. Some of it was even a bit incoherent. I suppose she was upset, but no where near as upset as I was. So, by the beginning of October, the correspondence out of the way, we stopped speaking and sadly went our separate ways...though she had a head start. And then, to add insult to injury, she unfriended me on facebook a day or two later. However, her niece did not. One day, shortly after the correspondence, her niece posted on her facebook something about "unconditional love." Clearly, I took that as a message for me, regarding Marie, and I deleted her niece from my facebook page. There is no reason why either of them should have access to what was going on with me and my life any more.

I was hurt, emotional and even depressed for a very long time. I couldn't understand how I could just be "replaced" after being there for so long and giving so much. It haunts me to this day. But, there was nothing to be done at the time, but to move on and create a healthier situation for myself.  Even that took a long time. Too long. When months had passed and I was still “depressed,” a friend of mine suggested I see a doctor and get “pills.” Pills? I thought to myself, “Hell no! I’ve let this go on too damn long and I’ll be damned if I am going to take pills to get over this!” I had my health to think of, my family to think of and I really had to snap out of it. Two years ago, this past January, 2011, was when I started the 17 Day Diet the first time around. It took me about 15 months or so to get motivated enough to work on my health and inactivity. Fifteen months were wasted feeling bad over something that was out of my control. You may remember I was posting songs for the daily workout? Then I got involved with the Dr. Phil Housewives page. That was also a big distraction out of which came many friends I didn’t have before. My new friends provided me with even more distractions and intellectual stimulation. Time marched on. I began to feel better gradually.

I began to write all this back in October 2012, intending to post it then, but I still wasn’t ready. I don't know why, but I was surprised myself. I stopped half way through and saved the document. It had been three years at that point that the friendship had ended. Then suddenly, I went back to it in early February and finished the story. It’s amazing what three or four extra months will do. I finished writing it all up February 5, 2013 and started posting it. I am really fine with all of it now. I am not hesitant about opening up those boxes any more. When I do, I will blog it as I go through them. I’ll decide then what I want to keep, if anything, and what I need to purge. I'm sure there are more memories in those boxes that will reawaken dormant feelings, but I think I am ready to deal with it all. It’s taken almost 3.5 years to get to this point, but I finally reached the finish line!

Now to start going through those boxes….


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss of such a warm and wonderful friendship. I had been reading your blog regularly for quite some time but hadn't been on here to read anything for a bit- so I saw all 12 posts just this morning.
    I have been through such similar experiences, having lost not just one friend but so many friends and family members including both my parents. followed by a diagnosis of breast cancer and going through treatment alone, except for my beautiful tiny grandson who was left for me to raise. I am so glad you had your husband through your cancer diagnosis and treatment! And I celebrate with you that you are here so many years later, and having birthdays!! It has been just over 2 yerars for me! I am still on my own with just my little boy here. He's in Kindergarten now and reading books like a 5th grader!
    I love your blog and enjoy it tremendously! Please keep writing!

  2. DL Thank you for commenting and your very kind words. I was hoping for this to be a therapeutic exercise for me, but more than that, I hoped others would relate to the experience and it might help them to heal. I will pray for you and your continued recovery from cancer. You sound like a very special person and I hope you will not only be able to raise your grandson, but be there for the birth of his children. Life is hard, when just never know how strong we are until we are faced with adversity. Thank God you have your grandson because I am sure he gives you joy and the strength to get through anything that comes your way. I love to write and I will keep on writing ♥ Thank you again!