Thursday, January 13, 2011

Going Back In Time...

I often think, if I could turn back the clock, what would I change? I’ve lived maybe two thirds of my life, maybe more, and what have I accomplished? I’ve had a fairly ordinary, but blessed life. I was a straight A student, worked for 10 years, married and then became a stay-at-home mom to two girls for the past 24 years. That is the sum total of my life. One sentence. Have I lived up to my full potential, been successful, done anything memorable? No, not really. So, would I go back in time and change anything?

The answer is yes.

I have been content with my life. I was blessed with two loving parents who raised me to appreciate family, provided me with security and unconditional love. I have been blessed with one brother, who would drop everything in a heartbeat if I needed him. I have been blessed with a saint for a husband, who never has told me no when I ask for something; who works long hours at a job he detests to support his family while he dreams of early retirement; who has been at my side through thick and thin from the moment we met and has never let me down or raised his voice to me in anger. I have been blessed with two beautiful daughters; loving, compassionate, intelligent and morally grounded young women that have made me proud from the day they were born; and who I love more than life itself. So with so much to be grateful for, what would I change?

Myself. If I could go back in time, I would change myself. I would be a better daughter, a better sister, a better wife, a better mother. When I look back on my lives, I may think I was doing the best I could at the time with what I knew. But, maybe, just maybe, I could have done more or done things differently. The truth is I know there are many times I fell short in being there for my family. I regret it, but I cannot go back and change it. But, that was then and this is now.

So as I walk on my treadmill everyday, I will reflect on the past a little and focus on the future a lot. I want to find the things I am passionate about and act on them. I want to help my daughters find what they are passionate about and help them find direction in their lives so that one day, when they look back, there is very little they will want to change and not nearly so much wasted time to regret. I have the wisdom of life experiences I would like to impart to them when they are ready to listen.

As I try to improve of myself physically and enter this next phase of my life, I am contemplating how to improve myself in other meaningful ways. Too much time has been lost, but maybe the best is yet to be.

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